uggg

Another insomnia filled night. I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. Noah is running me ragged and this cough that I developed is not helping. I was hoping to sleep and then all of a sudden I was mentally awake. I keep going over all of the things it feels like I am doing wrong in my life. I wish there was some way to shut all of it down and just relax

tired....

I have so many things that need to get done. Its making my head spin.

Laundry, dishes, cooking, some type of cleaning. I need to make a purchase list of equipment for the PE department, make a syllabus for my new classes, fill out BTSA paperwork and do my homework.

Also, there is no hockey on.... the season has come to an end. Which is a bummer. That is my brainless, don't have to think activity. Baseball is no good. Its too boring. Makes me sleepy.

Noah and I went grocery shopping, so I feel obligated to cook what I got so that it doesn't go bad. Which it has a tendency to do if I don't deal with it right away. And this is why my life is ruled by little plastic containers.

Work

Last week I was so disgusted by my job that I got off my ass and sent out a letter/resume looking for a new one. I think that was the biggest thing, just sending out my resume.

I mentioned to the principal today that I wanted to look at transferring. She offered me a job teaching a computer elective. With the curriculum up to me. Now, I am not sure that is what I actually want, but it was at least something to think about. And the stupid, affirming me as a teacher. Why that is important, I don't know. Its just seemed like it was needed.

We'll see where this all goes. As Susan B says; I just want to feel wanted.

Not much like a mom

Everyday I think... I can't possibly be a mom. I am not calm enough or I don't have enough patience. I mean, the boy has been crying off and on for the past 2 hours. If he is the center of attention, he is fine, mostly. But if I wander more than 6 inches from him, he has a serious meltdown. Is this normal? And is normal to think.. "SHUT UP?" Or, "please stop crying" I managed to do a load of laundry and mop the kitchen while he was asleep. I gave up and let him cry so that I could get the light on the front of my bicycle (i managed to break the stupid light. Yay for Gorilla Tape!! Now his is using me as a jungle gym and screaming because he is mad, at what, I have no idea.

i can't believe how horrible I feel as a person.. he just wants to be held and there are so many other things that have to be done. Am I supposed to just pick him up? Will that make him a kid that throws tantrums? Do I wait until he stops crying and acknowledges that I am there? What is wrong in his world that is making him unhinge?

5th

I can no longer stand to even see , much less speak to, my 5th period. The 8th graders are so pathetic that it makes me nauseous. They literally make me want to throw up. As a whole, they are just pathetic. I can't even begin to handle it. The fact that I am tired and crabby isn't helped by the fact that they won't do shit. I mean NOTHING. Oh, but the wonderful little darlings are HERE... WHY CAN"t they just not come? I mean really....

In fact, I think I am going to suspend 2 of them from class for the next 2 days and then will do it again on Wed. I will have stuff for them to do. I just can't even stand the sight of them. I am on the verge of losing it. Which is a bad thing. I feel it welling up in my system and it makes me want to just throttle someone.

1st Bday

Wow. Looking back, I can't believe its been a year!! A whole year. I am certainly more that a year older than I was at this time a year ago. Not surprising I suppose, considering the magnitude of everything. More than ever I am amazed that anyone has a healthy baby.

People say you should reflect. However, I am struggling to do that for the last year. Just thinking of it all at one time is too much. It leaves me exhausted and most often, in tears. The worst is when I am in the car alone, going to work. I feel the weight of, I guess adulthood, crushing me. So, it seems, that reflection in this case is beyond my ability.

Trying to look at all of the good things, leads me right towards all of the stressful events. Someone who has been very supportive of us and the kids commented today (yesterday) about how the kids' birthday brings up mixed emotions. There is the celebration of a year and all they have overcome and then there is the "but they weren't supposed to have a birthday yet." I guess sometimes Auntie A has the right idea. Just celebrate the kids. For some reason, that is really hard for me because it is all intermixed. I can't untie the two. But in this moment, so that I can sleep, I need to just listen to Noah breathe and feel happy in those breaths.

Uh OH

OH F*&%!!!

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=89127830


Hmm... may have to work on what comes out of my mouth.

EWWWWWWWWWWWW

Today has been the grossest day ever. So far. 1st, Noah had the biggest poop ever. It was in his socks, up his belly and back. Required immediate shower and laundry load.

Things went well. Boy and mom had a nap. Other mom went to see Grace. All good right? Until lunchtime.

He had 4 oz of milk and I tried to be the healthy mom. There was this stuff in the freezer, lentils and something. Supposedly healthy. I think it smelled awful. Gagging to be exact. And the boy, well he made the face. But he always makes that face. Apparently he was serious about the face. He spewed vomit everywhere. On me, on the chair, on the dog. Eww;w w

So, I am at a great loss for words. Ok, not really, but I am confused why my school's administration makes the choice to have a discipline meeting every semester. They always say the same thing. What upsets me (alot) is that they make all these rules and make no effort to enforce them. It is a fucking joke. Why would you say "you may not wear ANY red" if you are going to let the kid with the red sweatshirt keep it on.

This whole thing screws with my sense of right and wrong. It has upset me each year and every time they do it. Its a joke and it seems to undermine any discipline that could be enforced.

Why does this bother me so much?