1st Bday

Wow. Looking back, I can't believe its been a year!! A whole year. I am certainly more that a year older than I was at this time a year ago. Not surprising I suppose, considering the magnitude of everything. More than ever I am amazed that anyone has a healthy baby.

People say you should reflect. However, I am struggling to do that for the last year. Just thinking of it all at one time is too much. It leaves me exhausted and most often, in tears. The worst is when I am in the car alone, going to work. I feel the weight of, I guess adulthood, crushing me. So, it seems, that reflection in this case is beyond my ability.

Trying to look at all of the good things, leads me right towards all of the stressful events. Someone who has been very supportive of us and the kids commented today (yesterday) about how the kids' birthday brings up mixed emotions. There is the celebration of a year and all they have overcome and then there is the "but they weren't supposed to have a birthday yet." I guess sometimes Auntie A has the right idea. Just celebrate the kids. For some reason, that is really hard for me because it is all intermixed. I can't untie the two. But in this moment, so that I can sleep, I need to just listen to Noah breathe and feel happy in those breaths.