Two Months/Two kids

After 2 months, we may have finally gotten a pattern. Grace's meds are dealt with, supplies are here. Everyone is in bed by 8 and the house no longer looks like a bomb went off. Factor in that Roman is not so skittish anymore and things are going really well.

shattered

I have never seriously thought about walking away from teaching; until today. I seem to have offended the district on a level that they want to suspend me for 5 days without pay. Really? Did I smack a kid? Call them stupid? Am I am bad teacher? How about coming in late everyday? Nope. I yelled a a secretary. After she called me a liar in front of my peers. Over a question I had asked about my time card.

None of this makes a single bit of sense to me. People say ride it out.. it doesn't make sense. Nothing in the district does. It will all blow over. Well it hasn't and it won't and now I am not sure I can bring myself to walk back in that building.

Its not overly about the money. Although it is about a 2% of my pay fine. Its actually more about the fact that I have watched teachers be rude and mean to students, to other staff, to the out of the classroom staff and just about everyone they come in contact with. I know an aide who was stalking and threatening a teacher and nothing came of it; except a "you need to be nicer" I am truly and deeply confused. I had a bad day, yelled, went and apologized and accepted responsibility. And this is what happens? I am treated worse than the student who brings drugs to school. Who assaults a teacher or another student? Really.

I quit. Even if its just caring. I quit.

The Educated

Seriously,

I am sitting here in a meeting with 20+ other teachers and they have been reading this article for the past 20 minutes. Am I the only one done???? Oh no, wait, the English teacher in front of me is done. She looks about as irked as I feel. How can it possibly take so long to read an article? Its a long one, but not that long.


Oh hey!! That is cool. I can log on to the computers they are using and send messages. I like this option. should use it with the students.

Alright, Alright

I am thinking I might get back to writing. Maybe I will make it a habit. Ha. Honestly the only habit I currently have that is worthwhile is getting up in the morning and many mornings I could do without that. Its the whole pesky work thing.

This may have been the hardest school year I have had in awhile. Changes within the District, being in a hallway essentially by myself, the indifference of my students, the crazy evil troll of an interim principal. I am looking forward to the end. Its about time to start over again. But who knows what next year looks like. I am trying to not think too much about it. The whole ostrich head in the sand thing.

We'll see.

LAST Day

Tomorrow is the last day of the school year. YAY.

There was this student who came to school today in clothes that I am pretty sure she had to have someone else help her into. There was not a thing to be left to the imagination. And god knows no one needs to imagine that. I kept thinking, "how do you make pants into tights." Seriously??

Another year down.

Yikes

How long has it been? Yeesh.... I know I have been busy, but really?

I was thinking about Noah and his tantrums tonight. Its really a pretty amazing piece of work. He does this controlled lay down and fit. God forbid that he hurt himself in the process of a tantrum. I guess I always had the idea that when toddlers throw fits, it is this bit of uncontrolled rage. Now I know better. True, he is mad, but there is a purpose to the fit (even if I don't get it). It is so hard not to laugh at him.

uggg

Another insomnia filled night. I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. Noah is running me ragged and this cough that I developed is not helping. I was hoping to sleep and then all of a sudden I was mentally awake. I keep going over all of the things it feels like I am doing wrong in my life. I wish there was some way to shut all of it down and just relax

tired....

I have so many things that need to get done. Its making my head spin.

Laundry, dishes, cooking, some type of cleaning. I need to make a purchase list of equipment for the PE department, make a syllabus for my new classes, fill out BTSA paperwork and do my homework.

Also, there is no hockey on.... the season has come to an end. Which is a bummer. That is my brainless, don't have to think activity. Baseball is no good. Its too boring. Makes me sleepy.

Noah and I went grocery shopping, so I feel obligated to cook what I got so that it doesn't go bad. Which it has a tendency to do if I don't deal with it right away. And this is why my life is ruled by little plastic containers.

Work

Last week I was so disgusted by my job that I got off my ass and sent out a letter/resume looking for a new one. I think that was the biggest thing, just sending out my resume.

I mentioned to the principal today that I wanted to look at transferring. She offered me a job teaching a computer elective. With the curriculum up to me. Now, I am not sure that is what I actually want, but it was at least something to think about. And the stupid, affirming me as a teacher. Why that is important, I don't know. Its just seemed like it was needed.

We'll see where this all goes. As Susan B says; I just want to feel wanted.

Not much like a mom

Everyday I think... I can't possibly be a mom. I am not calm enough or I don't have enough patience. I mean, the boy has been crying off and on for the past 2 hours. If he is the center of attention, he is fine, mostly. But if I wander more than 6 inches from him, he has a serious meltdown. Is this normal? And is normal to think.. "SHUT UP?" Or, "please stop crying" I managed to do a load of laundry and mop the kitchen while he was asleep. I gave up and let him cry so that I could get the light on the front of my bicycle (i managed to break the stupid light. Yay for Gorilla Tape!! Now his is using me as a jungle gym and screaming because he is mad, at what, I have no idea.

i can't believe how horrible I feel as a person.. he just wants to be held and there are so many other things that have to be done. Am I supposed to just pick him up? Will that make him a kid that throws tantrums? Do I wait until he stops crying and acknowledges that I am there? What is wrong in his world that is making him unhinge?

5th

I can no longer stand to even see , much less speak to, my 5th period. The 8th graders are so pathetic that it makes me nauseous. They literally make me want to throw up. As a whole, they are just pathetic. I can't even begin to handle it. The fact that I am tired and crabby isn't helped by the fact that they won't do shit. I mean NOTHING. Oh, but the wonderful little darlings are HERE... WHY CAN"t they just not come? I mean really....

In fact, I think I am going to suspend 2 of them from class for the next 2 days and then will do it again on Wed. I will have stuff for them to do. I just can't even stand the sight of them. I am on the verge of losing it. Which is a bad thing. I feel it welling up in my system and it makes me want to just throttle someone.

1st Bday

Wow. Looking back, I can't believe its been a year!! A whole year. I am certainly more that a year older than I was at this time a year ago. Not surprising I suppose, considering the magnitude of everything. More than ever I am amazed that anyone has a healthy baby.

People say you should reflect. However, I am struggling to do that for the last year. Just thinking of it all at one time is too much. It leaves me exhausted and most often, in tears. The worst is when I am in the car alone, going to work. I feel the weight of, I guess adulthood, crushing me. So, it seems, that reflection in this case is beyond my ability.

Trying to look at all of the good things, leads me right towards all of the stressful events. Someone who has been very supportive of us and the kids commented today (yesterday) about how the kids' birthday brings up mixed emotions. There is the celebration of a year and all they have overcome and then there is the "but they weren't supposed to have a birthday yet." I guess sometimes Auntie A has the right idea. Just celebrate the kids. For some reason, that is really hard for me because it is all intermixed. I can't untie the two. But in this moment, so that I can sleep, I need to just listen to Noah breathe and feel happy in those breaths.

Uh OH

OH F*&%!!!

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=89127830


Hmm... may have to work on what comes out of my mouth.

EWWWWWWWWWWWW

Today has been the grossest day ever. So far. 1st, Noah had the biggest poop ever. It was in his socks, up his belly and back. Required immediate shower and laundry load.

Things went well. Boy and mom had a nap. Other mom went to see Grace. All good right? Until lunchtime.

He had 4 oz of milk and I tried to be the healthy mom. There was this stuff in the freezer, lentils and something. Supposedly healthy. I think it smelled awful. Gagging to be exact. And the boy, well he made the face. But he always makes that face. Apparently he was serious about the face. He spewed vomit everywhere. On me, on the chair, on the dog. Eww;w w

So, I am at a great loss for words. Ok, not really, but I am confused why my school's administration makes the choice to have a discipline meeting every semester. They always say the same thing. What upsets me (alot) is that they make all these rules and make no effort to enforce them. It is a fucking joke. Why would you say "you may not wear ANY red" if you are going to let the kid with the red sweatshirt keep it on.

This whole thing screws with my sense of right and wrong. It has upset me each year and every time they do it. Its a joke and it seems to undermine any discipline that could be enforced.

Why does this bother me so much?

Snuffle

So, we made the trip with the small boy to my parents place in Idaho. Where we both promptly got sick. And Noah got crabby. He is such a good little man. He did great in the car for the entire trip and then he got passed around for another 7 hours. Little guy must have gotten sore from all of the passing.

Hopefully, he will feel better today. And the same goes for the two of us. But I wonder, as I am awake at 2am.

sigh

Often I find myself thinking about the future and it looks so different that my plans. Dreams of kids never included endless dr visits and miles of tubing. Never thought about suctioning and breathing and flu shots and occupational therapy and holding my breath each time the phone rings and washing my hands until the skin cracks and never wearing a ring and germs and showering between holding each kid and ventilator numbers and learning how to hold my little girl so she doesn't break or de-vent or pulling out the central line or the PIC line or an IV. I never considered having to go visit or wear a gown or being excited that a nurse says we've had a good day. I never knew it was possible to pray constantly, without a thought. Thinking about any of this on a given day is too much and I don't have enough time and I can't do everything and I want nothing more than to hold each kid and I can't get enough of either of them.

Mental Health

I have been wondering about my mental health lately.. do I have any left? Or have I completely lost my mind? Is that possible? I found myself driving to work this morning in tears. Why? I'm not sure. I seemed happy, or was it sad? In a nutshell, that is the problem these days. I don't know which I am. I feel very blessed to have 1&2 in my life. How lucky we have all been over this past 8 months. All of us are still here, Kat and I are still employed, we have a place to live and health insurance. We have families who love us (ok, they love the kids more) and overall, I have nothing to crab, crank and grump about. Then why do I feel like a schizophrenic manic depressive?

PARENT LESSON #1 - it is possible to be the happiest and saddest you could ever be in the exact same moment.
PARENT LESSON #2 - Thing 2 is untrustworthy-- keep the bits covered.