Snuffle

So, we made the trip with the small boy to my parents place in Idaho. Where we both promptly got sick. And Noah got crabby. He is such a good little man. He did great in the car for the entire trip and then he got passed around for another 7 hours. Little guy must have gotten sore from all of the passing.

Hopefully, he will feel better today. And the same goes for the two of us. But I wonder, as I am awake at 2am.

sigh

Often I find myself thinking about the future and it looks so different that my plans. Dreams of kids never included endless dr visits and miles of tubing. Never thought about suctioning and breathing and flu shots and occupational therapy and holding my breath each time the phone rings and washing my hands until the skin cracks and never wearing a ring and germs and showering between holding each kid and ventilator numbers and learning how to hold my little girl so she doesn't break or de-vent or pulling out the central line or the PIC line or an IV. I never considered having to go visit or wear a gown or being excited that a nurse says we've had a good day. I never knew it was possible to pray constantly, without a thought. Thinking about any of this on a given day is too much and I don't have enough time and I can't do everything and I want nothing more than to hold each kid and I can't get enough of either of them.

Mental Health

I have been wondering about my mental health lately.. do I have any left? Or have I completely lost my mind? Is that possible? I found myself driving to work this morning in tears. Why? I'm not sure. I seemed happy, or was it sad? In a nutshell, that is the problem these days. I don't know which I am. I feel very blessed to have 1&2 in my life. How lucky we have all been over this past 8 months. All of us are still here, Kat and I are still employed, we have a place to live and health insurance. We have families who love us (ok, they love the kids more) and overall, I have nothing to crab, crank and grump about. Then why do I feel like a schizophrenic manic depressive?

PARENT LESSON #1 - it is possible to be the happiest and saddest you could ever be in the exact same moment.
PARENT LESSON #2 - Thing 2 is untrustworthy-- keep the bits covered.