sigh

Often I find myself thinking about the future and it looks so different that my plans. Dreams of kids never included endless dr visits and miles of tubing. Never thought about suctioning and breathing and flu shots and occupational therapy and holding my breath each time the phone rings and washing my hands until the skin cracks and never wearing a ring and germs and showering between holding each kid and ventilator numbers and learning how to hold my little girl so she doesn't break or de-vent or pulling out the central line or the PIC line or an IV. I never considered having to go visit or wear a gown or being excited that a nurse says we've had a good day. I never knew it was possible to pray constantly, without a thought. Thinking about any of this on a given day is too much and I don't have enough time and I can't do everything and I want nothing more than to hold each kid and I can't get enough of either of them.